To All the Dads (and the wives who love them)

Author's Note:  I'm not sure why.  This post was not easy to write.  It took a few days of prayerful consideration before taking shape.  May God bless the readers of it!!

Gabriel at only a few weeks after graduated from the NICU.

When Gabriel was two years old, I penned the preface for a book idea titled Gotta Get Gabriel:  A Father’s Journey with His Disabled Son.  The idea was to write a book for men facing difficult situations, maybe even situations through which they are not sure they can successfully navigate.  At the time my wife, Emily, and I were just beginning to understand just how uncertain the future was.

Gabriel with Daddy at the Luke 14 Banquet.

My original thought was to help men, especially fathers, tackle and dispel some of the myths which plague males.  The ultimate destination of this journey was, I prayed, that men would come to understand that God not only understands our hearts; but that He experienced the same hurts as His Son was beaten and nailed on the cross for crimes He did not commit and died.

So guys, what are some of the measures we grow up to believe.  Material gain is the judge of success?  Your credentials define your credibility?  Your children’s behavior mark you parental skills?  Your children’s athletic or academic abilities are a measure of future prosperity?  I’m sure this is nowhere near exhaustive.

So we grow up believing that if we don’t measure up in any one of these areas that constitutes failure on our part.  What happens if life gets rocky?  Maybe you lose a job?  (This actually happens more than once in the average man’s adult life.)  Maybe one or more of your children makes poor choices?  You never get that fancy car or big house?

And what if trials are of a more “permanent” nature:  serious illnesses, intellectual and/or developmental disability, or even the passing of a close loved one?  (I struggled with the word "permanent" because seriousness is relative.  Does the rubric by which we are judged or we judge ourselves change?  Should it change?

When we learned that Gabriel’s brain had been damaged, we came face to face with the reality that many of our hopes and dreams for him where not going to be fulfilled.  We had to grieve the loss of those dreams, and develop dreams which where obtainable.  We also had to come to terms with the reality that our family life was no longer going to fit the model which was instilled in each of us as we grew up.

Gabriel and Daddy horsing around.

When we were told that the chances of Gabriel ever speaking were slim and that he would need total care for his entire life, we had to ask God for the strength to care for a child who would never be able to tell us he loved us in return.  We had to redefine what it meant for Gabriel to communicate his feelings with us.

Why am I writing all this to dads especially?  Because we are taught by society that the test of our masculinity is success in all of the questions asked above and more.  Failure on just one is a failure as a man.  And because we are lead to believe that God uses the same rubric to measure us as does society.

Gabriel taking his first self directed steps.

Men, if you are facing difficult circumstances or if life has not turned out the way you dreamed it would; your specific situation does not catch God by surprise!  And better yet, He promises to be in the mix as you go through your situation.  “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4 ESV)

Even as He gave us the Great Commission, Jesus promises to be with us.  “And Jesus came and said to them, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.  And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20 ESV)

Easter Sunday 2011

So guys, you are not a failure.  And even assuming that you have made some poor choices, through His Son Jesus, God is quick to forgive us of our sins and restore us unto Himself.  That is not to say we are not going to deal with the consequences of those choices.  But first, consequences are not judgments.  And second, God promises to be right there with us every step of the way.  Even in the dark times when we think there is no hope.

A comforting thought to be sure!

Glen

Nature Abhors a Vacuum!

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines vacuum as “a space entirely devoid of matter.”  The phrase “in a vacuum” is further defined as “isolated from the context  normal to it and in which it can best be understood or assessed.

Nature abhors a vacuum.  Any sealed container from which all air has been evacuated is immediately filled with air, water, or anything else surrounding the opening as soon as the seal is broken.

Now granted I am simplifying the science involved quite a bit.  There are considerations such as pressure gradients, etc. which influence the velocity at which the vacuum is filled.  But my point is not to demonstrate my knowledge of science.  The science is here simply to illustrate a greater point.

Just has nature as a whole hates a vacuum, so does human nature.  And in today’s society, our “space” is rapidly becoming “devoid” of truth.  And in the absence of truth, it is our nature to fill the space left void with anything that surrounds us.

During the past few months I have become increasingly distressed by the lack of Biblical teaching concerning Heaven.  I know the truth exists.  The Bible does contain teachings on and even visions of Heaven and Heavenly beings.  But the truths of Heaven are not being taught.

I am currently reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  I have not finished as of this publishing, so I will refrain from an examination of the book itself.  But one thing strikes me as interesting and odd.  Alcorn states in the opening paragraphs of his Preface, “The truth is, in our seminaries, churches, and families; we have given amazingly little attention to the place where we will live forever with Christ and his people…”

Really?  As Christians, we tell the world (or we should be telling the world) that Jesus is the goal and Heaven is where we will spend eternity with Him.  But little attention is actually given to this place where we desire (or should desire) to spend the majority of our existence.

As I stated at the start, we hate a vacuum.  So if the institutions which one might assume are charged with teaching us eternal truths are not doing so in regard to Heaven; maybe that explains why so much “extra-Biblical” literature exists on the subject!

Now, I realize I am treading in dangerous territory; but as I said, I am concerned.  I am concerned that we are allowing misconceptions, half-truths, and some outright lies to permeate our understanding of Heaven.  And this is happening because we either can’t or won’t fill a need with Biblical truth.

And with all truth, the truth about Heaven needs to be taught early and often; so the Truth can be used to judge all of the misinformation with which we will be bombarded during times when we can least discern Truth from fiction.

No time is more filled with fictions than the passing of a loved one.  And this gets multiplied if the loved one is a child.  In the nearly fifteen months since our son Gabriel’s home-going how often have we heard:  “Gabriel is an angel in Heaven.” “Gabriel is smiling down on you know.” “I’m sure Gabriel is with you in spirit.”

And these are from individuals who are professing Christians.  Because of time and space, I won’t even go into all of the “spirituality” we have heard from individuals who don’t profess Christ.

In the months following Gabriel’s passing, I read quite a few books about “out of body” experiences with Heaven.  I found quite a bit of comfort from them.  But I am also concerned that most lack scriptural backing.  Paul says it best in Galations, “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel—not that there is another one, but there are some who trouble you and want to distort the gospel of Christ.  But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed.” (1:6-8 ESV)

But, as I said we hate a vacuum.  So if we are not getting taught the Biblical truths about Heaven in our seminaries, churches, and families; in our greatest time of need we are going to turn to anyone who is providing something to fill the void.

I challenge us all!  Heaven is a place of unparalleled beauty!  Our loved ones who have died as believers in Christ are there!  And most importantly, our Savior—Jesus is there!  How is it that we don’t speak more Truth about the real place we call home?

Glen

When There Just isn’t a Fix

As a guy, I want to fix things which I perceive are broken.  Sometimes these are objects:  a squeaky door, a shorting light fixture, the lawnmower, the car, etc.  Sometimes these are situations:  difficulties at work, disagreements with Emily or a friend, etc.

This overwhelming need to fix things extended to Gabriel’s chronic medical issues and disabilities.  I left my teaching career to concentrate of Gabriel’s needs.  When not caring for Gabriel, I spent my time reading and studying North Carolina benefits programs.  I would research each of Gabriel’s doctors.  And when the doctors were having difficulty dealing with Gabriel’s gastrointestinal issues, I began blending a formula with all of the nutrition and calories the research suggested Gabriel needed and thin enough to flow through his gastrointestinal feeding tube.

This overwhelming need to be a part of the fix led to many nights spent with Gabriel during his hospitalizations.  During the last four weeks while Gabriel was at the hospital, I rarely left his (or Emily’s for that matter) side.  I would argue with anyone who suggested that I sleep elsewhere than at Gabriel’s feet in the PICU.

So, when Gabriel’s condition worsened and he passed away; I spent months feeling his passing constituted a colossal failure on my part.  I did not even understand until this past weekend that this was at the center of my grief for Gabriel.  In the end, I could not protect Gabriel.  I could not fix his illness.  I could not spare my wife, Emily, the pain of our son’s home-going.

This past weekend, Emily and I ventured to Tennessee to spend the weekend with other couples whose children have preceded them to Heaven.  The weekend was sponsored and facilitated by David and Nancy Guthrie, themselves bereaved parents of Hope and Gabriel.

Among many other things, we were reminded of God’s sovereignty.  We were encouraged that despite all the evidence to the contrary, Jesus is sovereign over death itself.  “When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying, ‘Fear not, I am the first and the last, and the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades.’” (Revelations 1:17-18 ESV)(And to be completely fair, I have read this verse many times.  Not until the Guthries presented it at the retreat have I thought of this in relation to Gabriel’s home-going.)

So wait!  You mean that no matter how many more sleeplessness nights I did or did not experience or how many more medical therapies we did or did not attempt; Gabriel’s passing does not constitute an epic failure on my part!

 

When this thought occurred to me on Saturday mid-day, a shutter traveled through my body!  I began to sub.  I realized for perhaps the first time that I had actually done all I could have done.  During Sunday worship, our hosts used the illustration that Jesus had opened the door of eternity, called our children’s names, and carried our children through.

By the end of the weekend, a weight had been lifted from my soul.  I could again believe what family, friends, ministry partners, and strangers had all been saying for months (and some even years).  I could again believe that by the grace of God, by His strength, and with His wisdom; I had been the best Dad to Gabriel – second only to his Heavenly Father.

Gabriel’s body was broken!  The fix did not come on this side of eternity.  As Jesus says in John, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (9:3 ESV)

To again barrow from our words during days following Gabriel’s passing.  We did not get the miracle for which we prayed, but (by divine design) Gabriel got the miracle he deserved.

"Bridges Mean Bumps"

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.”  2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Behind our house is a wetland nature “reserve.”  Through this reserve runs a walkway which is part of Mecklenburg County’s Greenway System.  The majority of the greenway is paved, but multiple areas along the path require a boardwalk to traverse the wetland underneath.

During his life, Emily and I would love to walk along the greenway with Gabriel in his wheelchair or “Special Tomato” stroller.  Each time we would come to one of the boardwalks, Emily would say, “Here comes the bridge.  Bridges mean bumps!”  She was referring to the reoccurring “bounce” Gabriel would experience each time his wheels would encounter the small spaces between the boards which make up the boardwalk.

How the Lord responds to difficulties in the lives of His people is similar to these board walks.  We all experience low points in our lives.  And each of us experience God’s divine power to make it through these difficulties.  But we are allowed to feel the “bouncing” as we are carried, that we might become stronger and learn from the crisis.

Emily and I agree that Gabriel is with the Lord.  We rejoice in this truth.  We also feel the Lord’s comfort and compassion in the aftermath of Gabriel’s home-going.  But, and this is very important, we have not be spared the grief which comes from watching one we love so dearly pass through the veil of death.

Why is this?  I asked this question often in the days and weeks after Gabriel’s passing.  The answer is because there are lessons the Lord would have us learn.  And as Jesus answered His disciples in John 9:2, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

God wants to use the trials in our lives to strengthen our faith, to teach us His divine truths, and to demonstrate His glory in our lives throughout the difficulty.  Will He help us through the hardship?  Absolutely!  But we will still experience some of the “wake” which comes during and perhaps after the trouble.

So the next time we experience some of the bumps of life, let our pray not be “take this cup from me.”  But rather let’s pray that we will learn the lesson the Lord desires for us, and most importantly that the Lord will be glorified through the hardship.

So, “here comes the bridge.  Bridges mean bumps!”

Glen