A Bereaved Father’s Retrospect on Joni and Friends Family Retreat – Bonclarken, NC Part One

“And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’ For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves."  Mark 6:31-32 (ESV)

Emily, my wife, and I recently returned from visiting Joni and Friends Family Retreat – Bonclarken, NC.  It was our second such visit in the 2 ½ years since our son, Gabriel, passed away.  Before Gabriel died we were privileged to attend Joni and Friends Family Retreat – Bonclarken, NC as campers a total of four times.  I am sometimes asked why the retreats have made such a lasting impact on both my wife and I?  I have struggled to give a really good answer for this question even in more formal interviews – until this last visit.

“And they went to a place called Gethsemane. And he said to his disciples, ‘Sit here while I pray.’ And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.’  Mark 14:32-34 (ESV)

My best friend Thomas explains that the quality of life of a family dealing with the effects of a disability is not summed up in the services provided by our churches or by the state.  Rather the quality of a life of our families is affected most by the quality of the relationships we have with others – first with the Father through Jesus, then nuclear and extended families, finally with our church and community.  On what can only be concluded as the toughest night of His earthly life, Jesus called together the friends who would stand with Him to pray with him.  Even Jesus, the Son of God, in His humanity desired to be comforted by friends.

As fathers we spend the majority of our day in an attempt to provide for our families.  During Gabriel’s lifetime, I averaged 3 ½ hours of sleep each night in an attempt to meet his and Emily’s needs.  This is exhausting.  I required many individuals and our church to help see me through these difficult times.  Yet, the constant struggle to meet Gabriel’s many needs and the effect that it was having on me was often the very things which kept me from building the relationships which I so desperately needed.

So how does Joni and Friends Family Retreats fit into this equation?  At Family Retreat, fathers from around the region and country come together to fellowship.  For five days, we allow each other to be the wounded warriors that we are.  How is it that a group of men, many of whom are strangers at the start of the week, quickly overcome male bravado or inhibition and allow themselves to become vulnerable?

I recently explained this phenomenon with “The Elephant in the Room Analogy.”  It goes something like this.  The disability of our family member is often a stumbling block in our relationships with others.  Many times they don’t know or understand the difficulties which we face every day.  When they do know or seek to understand, how can we expect them to completely empathize with how lengthy sleep deprivation is affecting us or how the constant absence from corporate worship drains our spirits?  This is “the elephant in the room.”

At Joni and Friends Family Retreat, the presence of a disability within the family is assumed.  It is understood.  Its presence within each relationship forged at Family Retreat is, therefore, not just expected but celebrated.  It is understood by all that at some point the family member who has a disability may need us.  (This need is greatly reduced by the presence of Short Term Missionaries, whose task it is to help meet the needs of our loved one.)  It is realized by all parties that the other is probably sleep deprived.  It is expected that the new friend is dealing with a hurt, pain, or wound in relation to the disability.  So the disability becomes a constant within new relationship rather than a variable.  So with the disability a constant, “the elephant” is taken out of the room.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

With the presence of a disability understood, expected, and even celebrated, men from around the country become vulnerable.  We allow ourselves to express our wounds which we have felt the need to keep hidden from the world and even sometimes our families.  Relationships, which usually take years to forge, often only take hours because a commonality has been established simply by our mutual presence at the Family Retreat.  Much of the work of relationship building has already been done.  Often by the Friday Closing Ceremony, new lifelong friendships have been forged.  Just the kind of relationship we need to increase the quality of life of our family.

In “A Bereaved Father’s Retrospect on Joni and Friends Family Retreat – Bonclarken, NC Part 2,” I will explore what affect attending four Family Retreats during Gabriel’s lifetime had on our family and relationships.

For more information about Joni and Friends, Joni and Friends - Charlotte, or Joni and Friends Family Retreats please go to www.joniandfriends.org

A Few Good Men!

This Spring (2013), Emily and I each celebrated our second Mother’s and Father’s Day as bereaved parents.  I don’t want to waste the reader’s time lamenting Gabriel’s home-going except to say we miss our “Little Lambie and Handsome.”

Who I do want to spend our time together discussing is the incredible group of men of which I know find myself a part.  I know of no father who, if asked, would volunteer to raise a child with severe disabilities or medical frailties.  I know of no father who, if asked, would seek membership into the even smaller number of which I am now a part.  Yet, in the face of tragic events; many of these men have risen above that which in themselves they are capable.

One of my new friends will be participating in an Ironman Triathlon to raise awareness of Group B Strep.  I recently listened to a video conference involving men representing various groups which seek to shine light on the fallacies which believe men should not grieve openly or in public.  And my mentor has been publishing Christian children’s musicals for some time.  So, through no effort on my part, I am now in the company of some great men.

But, I have often wondered in the last sixteen months why we believe struggles in life should be the exception rather than the rule.  Why is it that Christians around the world will flock in the thousands to hear the teachings of individuals who espouse the view that God wants us to materially prosper?  I find no supporting references in the Bible.

Jesus teaches us in John 16:33, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  So if Jesus is to be believed, we should actually expect trials and tribulations in the world.  This is interesting!  Why would a loving God allow His children to experience such things?  Why do earthly fathers allow their children to experience hardship?

Again, we turn to scripture to find our answers.  James 1:2-4 exhorts us, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  

Romans 5:3-5 tells us essentially the same.  “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Yes, I can hear some of you now.  “Glen, you said that we should not be surprised if we have trials and tribulations.  But now you are also telling us that we should celebrate the trials.”  Well friends, I can’t take credit for saying that!  God’s Word says it!  Our trials build strength of character in each of us.  And even more importantly responding well to trials brings glory to our God in Heaven.

Each of the men I mentioned above and I are grieving the loss of a child.  Grief is not counter-intuitive to Christianity as some would have you believe.  We love our children who have gone before us.  The depth of our grief is testimony to the depth of a father’s love for his child.  But how we grieve and how we pass through the days which follow our loss builds character and glorifies God.

Truly these are a few good men!

"...for better or for worse..."

“…for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward...”

Eleven years ago I met a young woman, Emily Ring Goetcheus.  She is intelligent, serious but often funny, and filled with life.  Few (ourselves included) would have imagined that a little over five months later we would be engaged and a little over a year after that first meeting we would be married.  And many doubted that our marriage would stand the test of time.

But today (April 12, 2013), Emily and I celebrate ten years of marriage.  “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:9 ESV)  I can’t say the past ten years have been easy.  I believe Emily would agree.  But at least for these ten years our marriage has held against some very terrible storms.

“Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecc 4:11-12)

Emily and I don’t always agree.  And there are many differences in attitudes and mannerisms.  Marriage would not be interesting if husband and wife were exactly alike.

But when we are united in conviction, we are a force of nature.  Dare I say, anyone in the way had better watch out.

Nothing demonstrates this truth better than the raising and care of our son, Gabriel.

 Gabriel’s life might just represent the “perfect test” of our marriage.  Born with Aicardi-Goutieres Syndrome, Gabriel’s brain had severely diminished “white matter.”  This left him medically fragile, limited in his physical abilities, and significantly reduced in his cognitive functions.  We never heard him speak, and he required physical supports his entire life.

But none of that mattered to us!  We wanted to be parents, and who were we to question the abilities of the child we were given.

Emily and I did not tolerate anyone who questioned our care of Gabriel without cause.  We fired more than one doctor.  We cultivated the understanding of Gabriel’s condition within the company which provided his occupational, physical, and speech therapies.  We challenged his pediatrician to “think outside the box.”

 

We insisted that his care network and the insurance allow us to step outside the “network” to seek advice from specialists around the state or nation.

We even challenged hospital rules whenever the rules served only to keep us from caring for Gabriel the way we thought was best when he was in the hospital.

As I said, “when united we are a force of nature.”

Emily is the best wife I could ever hope for; and as Gabriel’s mother, she could not have been more nurturing and gentle.

I love you Emily!!  I pray we have many more years together.

Glen