Moving On?

I'm having a bad day!

Oh, you would never guess it by watching me.  I awoke this morning with plenty of time to preheat the car for my wonderful wife and see her off to work.  I sat down to make a lengthy, detailed To Do List.  Shortly after, I went to the gym for the newest aspect of my routine - one hour of walking currently totaling 3 miles and 450 burned calories.  During this workout, I read three chapters in "Heaven is for Real."  I went to Office Depot to purchase the supplies I needed to then return home and print the inserts for the thirty application packets I will take with me tomorrow to an education job fair at University of North Carolina at Charlotte.  I kept an appointment which is as good for my psyche as it is for my physical health.  I went to Gabriel's grave site as I have done almost every day since he was laid to rest fifteen days ago.  I picked up my suit from the cleaners, and returned home to assemble twenty of the thirty application packets I will take with me Friday.

So, how do I know that I am having a bad day.  Well, first I never make To Do Lists.  I find the act of making a list of things I need to do to be tedious and needless.  I find the list itself to be a reminder of all that I should be doing but am not doing.

This brings me to my second bit of evidence that I am having a bad day.  Did you read all that I got done today?  And let us not forget that to the above list we can add writing this blog post.  I have not been able to be this "productive" from sunrise to sunset in the past six years.  I went to the gym to exercise.  Really!?  Oh, and I read part of a book while I was at it!

On any given day, the application packets would have to wait until after Gabriel and Emily had gone to bed.  Rarely am I motivated enough to get significant office work done during daylight hours.

And during all of this I had the presence of mind to give a friend professional advice concerning an educational matter.

As I wrote when we started, you would never guess I was having a bad day by watching me. So how do I know that I am having a bad day?  Well, I have this undeniable feeling that life is carrying me along as if I was on a raging river.  This day has been way too "normal"!  Am I really supposed to be getting ready for a job fair only 15 days after our son's funeral worship service?  He passed away less than three weeks ago!

I'm really conflicted!  This job fair is really important to our future financial success.  But do I really have to be worrying about all of that this week?  Can't the sun stand still in the sky?

Don't get me wrong!  I don't begrudge anyone else for moving on in their lives.  But, can't I just sit and allow the waves of grief to wash over me for a while longer?

As I said, I'm having a bad day.  And what is my favorite thing to do on a bad day?  I eat!  Yesterday, I took in less than 2,000 calories and burned 450 calories through exercise.  While I burned 450 calories today, I'm sure, as of the writing of this, I have taken in more than 2,000 calories.

And what is the final piece of evidence for my bad day?  I just don't care!  For a caregiver, this is the clearest piece of evidence of them all.

I'm having a bad day!