When There Just isn’t a Fix

As a guy, I want to fix things which I perceive are broken.  Sometimes these are objects:  a squeaky door, a shorting light fixture, the lawnmower, the car, etc.  Sometimes these are situations:  difficulties at work, disagreements with Emily or a friend, etc.

This overwhelming need to fix things extended to Gabriel’s chronic medical issues and disabilities.  I left my teaching career to concentrate of Gabriel’s needs.  When not caring for Gabriel, I spent my time reading and studying North Carolina benefits programs.  I would research each of Gabriel’s doctors.  And when the doctors were having difficulty dealing with Gabriel’s gastrointestinal issues, I began blending a formula with all of the nutrition and calories the research suggested Gabriel needed and thin enough to flow through his gastrointestinal feeding tube.

This overwhelming need to be a part of the fix led to many nights spent with Gabriel during his hospitalizations.  During the last four weeks while Gabriel was at the hospital, I rarely left his (or Emily’s for that matter) side.  I would argue with anyone who suggested that I sleep elsewhere than at Gabriel’s feet in the PICU.

So, when Gabriel’s condition worsened and he passed away; I spent months feeling his passing constituted a colossal failure on my part.  I did not even understand until this past weekend that this was at the center of my grief for Gabriel.  In the end, I could not protect Gabriel.  I could not fix his illness.  I could not spare my wife, Emily, the pain of our son’s home-going.

This past weekend, Emily and I ventured to Tennessee to spend the weekend with other couples whose children have preceded them to Heaven.  The weekend was sponsored and facilitated by David and Nancy Guthrie, themselves bereaved parents of Hope and Gabriel.

Among many other things, we were reminded of God’s sovereignty.  We were encouraged that despite all the evidence to the contrary, Jesus is sovereign over death itself.  “When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying, ‘Fear not, I am the first and the last, and the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades.’” (Revelations 1:17-18 ESV)(And to be completely fair, I have read this verse many times.  Not until the Guthries presented it at the retreat have I thought of this in relation to Gabriel’s home-going.)

So wait!  You mean that no matter how many more sleeplessness nights I did or did not experience or how many more medical therapies we did or did not attempt; Gabriel’s passing does not constitute an epic failure on my part!

 

When this thought occurred to me on Saturday mid-day, a shutter traveled through my body!  I began to sub.  I realized for perhaps the first time that I had actually done all I could have done.  During Sunday worship, our hosts used the illustration that Jesus had opened the door of eternity, called our children’s names, and carried our children through.

By the end of the weekend, a weight had been lifted from my soul.  I could again believe what family, friends, ministry partners, and strangers had all been saying for months (and some even years).  I could again believe that by the grace of God, by His strength, and with His wisdom; I had been the best Dad to Gabriel – second only to his Heavenly Father.

Gabriel’s body was broken!  The fix did not come on this side of eternity.  As Jesus says in John, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (9:3 ESV)

To again barrow from our words during days following Gabriel’s passing.  We did not get the miracle for which we prayed, but (by divine design) Gabriel got the miracle he deserved.

"Bridges Mean Bumps"

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.”  2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Behind our house is a wetland nature “reserve.”  Through this reserve runs a walkway which is part of Mecklenburg County’s Greenway System.  The majority of the greenway is paved, but multiple areas along the path require a boardwalk to traverse the wetland underneath.

During his life, Emily and I would love to walk along the greenway with Gabriel in his wheelchair or “Special Tomato” stroller.  Each time we would come to one of the boardwalks, Emily would say, “Here comes the bridge.  Bridges mean bumps!”  She was referring to the reoccurring “bounce” Gabriel would experience each time his wheels would encounter the small spaces between the boards which make up the boardwalk.

How the Lord responds to difficulties in the lives of His people is similar to these board walks.  We all experience low points in our lives.  And each of us experience God’s divine power to make it through these difficulties.  But we are allowed to feel the “bouncing” as we are carried, that we might become stronger and learn from the crisis.

Emily and I agree that Gabriel is with the Lord.  We rejoice in this truth.  We also feel the Lord’s comfort and compassion in the aftermath of Gabriel’s home-going.  But, and this is very important, we have not be spared the grief which comes from watching one we love so dearly pass through the veil of death.

Why is this?  I asked this question often in the days and weeks after Gabriel’s passing.  The answer is because there are lessons the Lord would have us learn.  And as Jesus answered His disciples in John 9:2, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

God wants to use the trials in our lives to strengthen our faith, to teach us His divine truths, and to demonstrate His glory in our lives throughout the difficulty.  Will He help us through the hardship?  Absolutely!  But we will still experience some of the “wake” which comes during and perhaps after the trouble.

So the next time we experience some of the bumps of life, let our pray not be “take this cup from me.”  But rather let’s pray that we will learn the lesson the Lord desires for us, and most importantly that the Lord will be glorified through the hardship.

So, “here comes the bridge.  Bridges mean bumps!”

Glen

Renewed Strength

The Hiding Place - Henrietta, Tn

We descended on the secluded spot along the Cumberland River in Tennessee from many different locales.  Eleven cities in nine states were represented by the couples who arrived at “The Hiding Place” that Friday afternoon.  On that first day we were strangers at drawn together by the Holy Spirit due to a life altering, tragic event.

Our walks of life were as varied as the cities from which we heralded.  An author, a former educator turned caregiver turned advocate, executives, teachers, lawn care specialist, and variety of ages.  Perhaps by the world’s standard, it was not a combination to make for a cohesive gathering.  But brought together by a Sovereign Lord for His divine purpose.

Gabriel Stephens - The love that never dies

Despite all of our differences, we would learn we have three things in common.  First, a personal relationship with King of Kings.  No difference was too deep to overcome this commonality.  Second (but perhaps to many this started as our most important similarity), we had all experienced the Lord calling one (or more) of our children Home to Himself.  Finally, we all came away from many of our modern conveniences to catch perhaps a glimpse of how the Lord was using our loss for His Divine purpose and our good.

So together we came; some more willing than others.  Some wanted to talk while others wanted to listen and learn.  All would be given opportunities for both.  Our guides on this journey were David and Nancy Guthrie.  Nancy has written several books, and David creates children’s musicals for churches.  They, too, experienced the “home going” of two wonderful children; Hope and Gabriel!

Our wonderful children!

Through tears we spent the first evening listening as half of us described the circumstances surrounding our loss, but more importantly describing how our tragic stories had and were affecting us.  After breakfast on Saturday, those who listened the first night spoke about their experience with love, loss, and grief.  Each couple was riveted by the stories of the others during the hours of tears.  Each one drawn by the empathy which comes from common experience.  Every mother understanding without explanation the pain of another’s broken heart.  Every father experiencing anew the helplessness felt by all.

We were no longer strangers.  We were no longer fixated on the differences which might have divided us.  Women were longing to hug each other.  Men reached out to each other unconcerned their faces where stained with the tears of shared grief.

After a brief break, we returned to be reassured that on myth surrounding the home going of a child is not true.  According to The Compassionate Friends, 76.6% of couples living through the loss of a child remain married (When a Child Dies:  A Survey of Bereaved Parents, 2006)  When then discussed key issues facing couples after the loss of a child.

After lunch we all walked through the property down to a tributary of the Cumberland River and an aged railroad truss.  Quite a few of us (including my wonderful wife, but not myself) where brave enough to climb the support rocks of the truss.

We returned to the lodge to discuss common issues and questions facing couples after the home going of a child.  The conversation was directed and kept moving through a “Jeopardy”-like board with multiple topics.

For the time before dinner we received instructions for a period of reflection with our spouses.  During this time, we expressed specific admirations for our spouse and made specific requests for the present and going forward.

We returned to the lodge again to find that it had be rearranged for a more “formal” dinner.  The couples were served a spectacular turkey dinner by David and Nancy.

Saturday evening ended with laughter as three couples showed us how well they can anticipate the other’s answers in “The Newlywed Game.”  As Saturday was an intensely emotional day, many of us retired early.

Sunday morning began with Breakfast and an early time of the Word and prayer, led by Nancy.  After breakfast, we came together to worship the One who authors the love we all feel for our child and now each other.  Worship was sweet with soul filling words by Nancy.

We started the weekend on Friday as strangers bound by a common loss.  We ended with a deeper appreciation of the Spirit which unites us as brothers and sisters.

We discovered healing.  We discovered renewed faith.  We found greater meaning in promises such as “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)  “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (John 9:3)

We left understanding (perhaps for the first time), this was not our fault. God had called our child’s name, and Gabriel followed his Heavenly Father’s voice.

Thank you Jesus for new friends.  Thank you for faithful mentors.  But thank you most of all for understanding and speaking into our grief.

Glen Stephens,

Husband to Emily, 
Bereaved father to Gabriel

 

Cazy For Credentials

Today's society is crazy for credentials.  Our school systems will not consider most candidates for an open superintendent position unless the individual has a Ph.D. or Ed.D.  All principals must have a M.Ed. or M.A. in school administration.  Christian denominations and even most independent churches require at least a M.Div. with the larger multi-pastored churches requiring the senior pastor to have a Ph.D.  And the trend extends outside of education and churches.

We are obsessed with an individual's credentials!  We want our politicians and departmental bureaucrats to have advanced degrees from the "best" universities.  Somehow or somewhere our society has started to equate educational background with one's qualifications for the job.  I submit this has done very little to improve the quality of education in the United States.  But that is a debate for another day and another posting.

Emily and I have gone to see "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" twice in less than a week. Each time I am struck by the answer to a question posed to Gandalf, The Grey. He replies to Lady Galadriel, "Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? That's because I am afraid and it gives me courage."

While I will not usually seek out great theological truths from a work of fiction, this quote does have a profound truth. The majority of the fight against evil does not take place in the White House, Congress, or even Supreme Court. Yet, most Americans are eagerly watching the 24 hour news channels as Congress again "kicks the can down the road" in an attempt to avoid dealing with our nation's continued over spending.  

And what about the "great" men and women of history and our society?  Do we really think that all of these individuals originally had profound credentials?  Even the majority of "great" men of God came from humble beginnings.  The Rev. Billy Graham was a farmer's son in what was then rural North Carolina.  Dr. John Munro and Rev. Loran Livingston, pastors of two of the largest churches in Charlotte, both grew up in humble settings.  And yet, our society continues to hold that credentials are all important.





Why do I pose this question?  Why do I pose this question on the doorstep of a new year?  Because in the last few weeks, as we endeavor to honor Gabriel's memory by honoring and serving others; I am struck by a common theme.  Most within the organizations with which we maintain contact continue to tell us that Gabriel's life had a profound impact on them and on a few of the organizations as a whole.



I have often spoken of Gabriel as my inspiration for many of the life choices I have made.  And even my personal growth and career path were radically altered by Gabriel's life.  While still getting very little sleep each night, I engaged in a M.Ed. program.  I completed my M.Ed. in Curriculum and Instruction with emphasis in Special Education just a five weeks before Gabriel went to be with Jesus.  See, even I have to be conscious of credentials as I seek to honor Gabriel's memory with Gabriel's Sanctuary, Inc.

Why was Gabriel's life important? Why was his multiple health issues and disabilities an important part of his life? Gabriel forces each of us to slow down.  Gabriel required gentle love and handling.  He required patience.  He required detailed planning.  And he demanded our time to the exclusion of all other considerations.  In short, everyone who cared for and loved Gabriel had to reach deep within ourselves to find a strength which is absent in many of our leaders today.

As the world approaches a new year and looks to "powerful" men for leadership, perhaps our faith in them is misplaced.  Perhaps we should be looking toward those who love and care for individuals with needs like Gabriel's!  Perhaps, we should be looking to the meek and mild!

Perhaps, we should be looking for the Christ child!

Glen

Moving On?

I'm having a bad day!

Oh, you would never guess it by watching me.  I awoke this morning with plenty of time to preheat the car for my wonderful wife and see her off to work.  I sat down to make a lengthy, detailed To Do List.  Shortly after, I went to the gym for the newest aspect of my routine - one hour of walking currently totaling 3 miles and 450 burned calories.  During this workout, I read three chapters in "Heaven is for Real."  I went to Office Depot to purchase the supplies I needed to then return home and print the inserts for the thirty application packets I will take with me tomorrow to an education job fair at University of North Carolina at Charlotte.  I kept an appointment which is as good for my psyche as it is for my physical health.  I went to Gabriel's grave site as I have done almost every day since he was laid to rest fifteen days ago.  I picked up my suit from the cleaners, and returned home to assemble twenty of the thirty application packets I will take with me Friday.

So, how do I know that I am having a bad day.  Well, first I never make To Do Lists.  I find the act of making a list of things I need to do to be tedious and needless.  I find the list itself to be a reminder of all that I should be doing but am not doing.

This brings me to my second bit of evidence that I am having a bad day.  Did you read all that I got done today?  And let us not forget that to the above list we can add writing this blog post.  I have not been able to be this "productive" from sunrise to sunset in the past six years.  I went to the gym to exercise.  Really!?  Oh, and I read part of a book while I was at it!

On any given day, the application packets would have to wait until after Gabriel and Emily had gone to bed.  Rarely am I motivated enough to get significant office work done during daylight hours.

And during all of this I had the presence of mind to give a friend professional advice concerning an educational matter.

As I wrote when we started, you would never guess I was having a bad day by watching me. So how do I know that I am having a bad day?  Well, I have this undeniable feeling that life is carrying me along as if I was on a raging river.  This day has been way too "normal"!  Am I really supposed to be getting ready for a job fair only 15 days after our son's funeral worship service?  He passed away less than three weeks ago!

I'm really conflicted!  This job fair is really important to our future financial success.  But do I really have to be worrying about all of that this week?  Can't the sun stand still in the sky?

Don't get me wrong!  I don't begrudge anyone else for moving on in their lives.  But, can't I just sit and allow the waves of grief to wash over me for a while longer?

As I said, I'm having a bad day.  And what is my favorite thing to do on a bad day?  I eat!  Yesterday, I took in less than 2,000 calories and burned 450 calories through exercise.  While I burned 450 calories today, I'm sure, as of the writing of this, I have taken in more than 2,000 calories.

And what is the final piece of evidence for my bad day?  I just don't care!  For a caregiver, this is the clearest piece of evidence of them all.

I'm having a bad day!

God's Lent Child

"I'll lend you for a little while

A child of mine" God said,
"For you to love the while he lives,

And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,

Or forty-two or three;
But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him for me? 

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,

And should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories

As a solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from Earth return;
But there are lessons taught below 

That I want my children to learn.

I've looked the whole world over,

In my search for teachers true;
And from the things that crowd life's lane,

I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love?

Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take 

This lent child back again? "

I fancied that I heard them say

"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joys Thy child will bring 

The risk of grief we'll run.
We will shelter him with tenderness, 

We'll love him while we may
And for the happiness we've known 

Forever grateful stay.
But should Thy angels call for him

Much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand.